


I Love You, You Idiot

by MoonlightBreeze



Series: Whumptober 2020 [2]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland Friendship, Alternate Universe - BDSM, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecure Simon Lewis, Jace Wayland Angst, Jace Wayland Being an Idiot, Jace Wayland Deserves Nice Things, Jace Wayland Feels, Jace Wayland Loves Simon Lewis, Jace Wayland Needs A Hug, Light Dom/sub, M/M, Non-Sexual, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Simon Lewis Provides Comfort, Whumptober 2020, even if he's bad at showing it, no beta we die like men, poor little muffin needs a lot of hugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:53:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26787769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoonlightBreeze/pseuds/MoonlightBreeze
Summary: When Simon asks permission to collar him, Jace's reaction is not exactly what either of them expected. Or, Jace has self-worth issues, Simon is an understanding and supportive boyfriend, and Alec is done with Jace's shit.Whumptober 2020 prompt fic - CollarsHappy ending!Warnings for talk of self-hatred/self-esteem issues and very mild implied/referenced self harm. Please keep yourselves safe! <3
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Simon Lewis/Jace Wayland
Series: Whumptober 2020 [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1950094
Comments: 6
Kudos: 68





	I Love You, You Idiot

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, guys! This is my second Whumptober prompt fic - for the prompt: collars.
> 
> It's a little different from what I normally write, and I hope I did a good job. This is very new to me, so please be gentle <3 Warnings for talk of self-hatred and very brief, mild implied/referenced self harm. This is also written in a BDSM universe, so please bear that in mind going forward. With that being said, I really hope you like this!!
> 
> Kudos make my day and comments validate my existence, so please feel free to leave those, if you want :) And as always, I hope you have a wonderful day/night!
> 
> ~ Em

Jace didn’t know what was going on. The entire Institute seemed hushed, subdued, practically teeming with nervous energy; Alec was avoiding him and Izzy couldn’t stop smiling whenever she saw him. Clearly, everyone knew something but him and it was making him nervous. He hated being in the dark, especially when it concerned him or someone he loved. 

“Maryse,” Jace said, letting himself into his surrogate mother’s office without knocking. “What’s going on today?”

Maryse pursed her lips and said, “What do you mean?”

“Don’t bullshit me,” Jace growled. “Something’s happening and it’s to do with me and I want to know what it is.”

“I’m sorry, Jace,” Maryse said, “but I can’t tell you. I promised someone else.”

“Someone else? Who?”

“I just said I couldn’t tell you, Jace.”

Jace made a dissatisfied sound and turned to leave, but Maryse stopped him with an abrupt “Wait!” Jace paused in the doorway, hand hovering over the doorknob. 

“Follow your heart,” Maryse said cryptically, and Jace narrowed his eyes at her. By the Angel, what the fuck was going on?

The PA system crackled to life as Jace shoved Maryse’s door shut behind him. “Jace Lightwood to the ops center,” Graceley’s voice rang out over the intercom. “Jace Lightwood, you are wanted in the ops center.”

Jace’s confusion increased tenfold as he made his way to the ops center. The halls, usually packed with Shadowhunters, were empty as he walked towards his destination. He couldn’t even hear the usual background noise of typing and talking and people shouting orders. It was almost silent, so much so that he could hear his own footsteps echoing in the building. 

To his surprise, when Jace reached the ops center, it was as empty as the rest of the Institute except for Simon, who stood in the center of the room, leaning on the island where the Institute housed its supercomputer. He was wringing his hands together nervously. Jace frowned. Simon hadn’t had an anxiety attack in a long time, at least as long as they’d been dating, but he looked to be on the verge of one now. 

“Simon?” Jace said, walking towards his boyfriend slowly. His hands were clenched into fists at his side. If this was someone’s idea of a practical joke, he was going to fucking kill them.

“Jace, hi,” Simon rushed out. “Okay, look, I’m sure you’re confused and you don’t know what’s going on and I’m sorry, I didn't mean for everyone to know, I just wanted to do this in the same place we met and - ”

“Si, Si, slow down,” Jace said, interrupting Simon’s nervous rambling. “What’s going on?”

Simon took a deep breath and reached into his back pocket. Jace could see his fingers close around an object, but he couldn’t make out what it was. 

“Jace, we’ve been dating for over six months,” Simon began, taking a deep breath. His lip trembled with anxiety, and his face looked pinched & white. “And I know that I want to be with you for the rest of my life.”

Jace stuffed his hands into his pockets and bit his lip. A thousand emotions swirled in his chest. The only one he could identify clearly was a sick sense of dread, and he watched with bated breath as Simon pulled the object out of his pocket nervously. 

It was a collar. 

“Jace Christopher Lightwood-Herondale, will you be my sub?” Simon asked. His voice was surprisingly strong for his level of anxiety. “Will you allow me to collar you?”

Jace felt like there was a vice around his heart, squeezing and squeezing and squeezing until he couldn’t reply, couldn’t speak, couldn’t even breathe. Collaring was the equivalent of mundane marriage to Shadowhunters and their romantic partners. Simon wanted to collar him. Simon wanted to collar _him_. 

Self-loathing burned like fire through Jace’s veins, and he stumbled backwards under the weight of it. He wasn’t good enough for Simon, he would never be good enough for Simon. He was, was broken and defective and fucking toxic. And Simon wanted _him_ , for the rest of whatever forever meant for them, and Jace couldn’t help but feel that Simon would realise halfway through what a huge mistake he’d made and make Jace the first Lightwood to be abandoned after being collared. 

The thought made panic wrap around his throat, strangling him. His nails dug bloody indentations into his palms, and he bit his lip hard against the onslaught of tightness in his chest. _Ohgod, ohgod, ohgodohgodohgod_ \- 

“Jace?” Simon’s voice was full of regret now, and Jace hated how heartbroken he sounded. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you - ”

Jace shook his head firmly, holding up a hand for silence. He backed away from Simon. “J-Just a minute,” he choked out. “J-Just give me a minute.” With that, he turned and fled from the ops center, leaving Simon standing with the collar in his palm, looking immeasurably hurt and devastated. 

Jace wasn’t sure if he hated himself for hurting Simon or if he hated himself for letting Simon get this close. Either way, he knew that, as always, he was to blame.

~ ~ ~

It didn’t take long for Alec to find his parabatai. He could feel Jace’s emotions through their bond; they were impossible to hide. He knew what had happened immediately, and he couldn’t say it surprised him. 

“Jace,” Alec called as he let himself into the training room. 

Jace didn’t even look up from the punching bag he was wailing on. “Go away, Alec.”

“Yeah, right,” Alec scoffed. He grabbed two staffs from the rack on the wall and forcibly pulled Jace away from the punching bag. “C’mon. Let’s spar.”

Jace huffed and tried to duck underneath Alec’s arm to return to the punching bag, but Alec placed a firm hand on his chest and held him off. Jace glared at his parabatai. Dammit, he didn’t need some fucking intervention. He _needed_ to fucking hurt; it was what he deserved. But of course, Alec had other plans. 

Aware that he wasn’t going to win this battle, Jace reluctantly accepted the staff from Alec and took up position with his parabatai. They quickly fell into a routine, and the sounds of staffs clashing filled the training room. This was far from the first time they’d sparred when one of them was upset, and any Shadowhunters passing by who saw the violence with which Jace wielded his staff knew not to interrupt. 

“So,” Alec began, and Jace sent a particularly vicious blow to his staff. His parabatai grinned, not at all fazed by Jace’s show of violence. 

“So,” Jace growled back, dodging an attack from Alec expertly. He tapped Alec’s staff with his own and gave his brother a smug smile. “Getting predictable there, parabatai.”

“Predictable, my ass. Just for that, I’ll start,” Alec retorted. He rolled underneath Jace’s next attempt at disarming him, landing neatly on his side, and said, “I hear that Simon’s question didn’t go over too well with you.”

“It’s none of your fucking business,” Jace snapped, smacking Alec’s staff with his own so hard that it made both of them vibrate under the force of it. 

“Maybe not,” Alec conceded, paying Jace’s anger no mind, “but I care about you, and you’re hurting. You’re also being an idiot, and I’m great at making you realise that.”

Jace scoffed, spinning around to land a cruel hit with his staff to Alec’s side. “How do you figure?”

Alec rolled his eyes. “The love of your life wants to collar you, and you run off like you don’t want it with all your heart? Seems pretty idiotic to me.”

Jace glared at him. “It’s not that simple.”

“Oh yeah? Well then, explain it to me.”

Jace growled and lunged forward with his staff, hitting Alec’s as hard as he could. He watched in horror as Alec’s staff cracked under Jace’s hit and broke, clattering to the floor in two pieces. Jace’s eyes widened, but Alec didn’t seem upset; hell, he didn’t even look surprised. 

He reached down and picked up the pieces of his staff, holding a hand out in Jace’s direction for his staff. Jace handed it over numbly, and Alec put them back on the rack, discarding the broken staff in a bin of broken weapons to be dealt with later. 

“Look,” Jace started, and then stopped. Alec gave him an encouraging look, leaning on the training room wall casually. Jace knew it was for his benefit, that Alec was giving him space to say what he needed to say, and he appreciated it.

“I-I just - Simon’s going to regret this,” Jace blurted out. Alec raised an eyebrow at him, and he blushed furiously. He realised how stupid that sounded, but it was the _truth_. 

“What is Simon going to regret?” Alec asked calmly. Jace knew he already knew; he just wanted Jace to say it. He glared at Alec, who simply gave him a look and made an impatient gesture with his hands. 

Heaving a sigh, Jace said, “He’s going to regret this. Me.”

Alec laughed a little, giving Jace a look that clearly said ‘You’re a fucking dumbass’. “How do you figure? Or did you forget that Simon is the one who asked you to be his sub?”

“You know me, Alec,” Jace bit back, glaring at his parabatai. “I have a short temper, I’m a lot of work, I’m fucking toxic and self-sacrificing and, and - Simon deserves so much better.”

Alec strode forward suddenly and grabbed Jace’s chin, forcing the other man to meet his gaze head-on. His ice-blue eyes were ablaze with determination, and Jace was suddenly and viciously reminded of another time, another training room, and his own golden eyes staring into Alec’s with just as much passion as Alec was exhibiting now. He remembered another idiot who didn’t think he deserved to be collared by his boyfriend, and he remembered healing broken knuckles and sending Alec back to Magnus with stern instructions not to come back until they’d worked things out.

Jace’s gaze caught on the black collar that was fastened around Alec’s neck, and he suddenly couldn’t speak over the lump in his throat.

“Simon doesn’t _want_ better, Jace. Simon wants _you_.”

“Yes, he does,” a soft voice spoke up from the doorway. Jace’s eyes snapped up to identify the intruder, and his eyes filled with tears when he recognised Simon, still holding the collar and fixing Jace with a look full of emotions that Jace couldn’t identify. 

Alec clapped him on the shoulder and said, “I’ll see you after. Do the right thing.” With that, he left the training room, leaving Jace and Simon alone. 

“Jace,” Simon said, and his tone was hurt and sympathetic all at once. Jace bit his lip and focused his gaze on his shoes. He hated it when Simon spoke to him like that. It meant he’d fucked up, done something that required fixing. 

“Jace,” Simon repeated, and his voice had changed to his Dom voice, the one that had Jace scrambling to obey. “Come here.”

Jace walked towards Simon slowly, clasping his hands together behind his back. He lowered his head when he reached Simon, the simplest sign of submission and perhaps the most complicated way of saying _I’m sorry_. Then again, Jace was rarely ever not complicated, and Simon knew that. 

“I love you,” Simon breathed, and the words floated over Jace, washing away the insecurities and doubts that plagued him every time he allowed them to get the better of him. _I love you._ Simon loved him. Simon loved him and he chose to stay with him through everything that Jace was and everything that Jace would never be. This was his choice, this was what Simon wanted. 

Simon bent down to capture Jace’s lips in a searing kiss. 

“I love you, you idiot.”

Jace let out a little laugh, but it came out as more of a sob, and Simon wrapped his arms around his boyfriend securely, pressing little kisses to his forehead, cheeks, and nose. “I’ve got you,” he whispered, and Jace allowed himself to bask in the words and the feeling of safety that they gave him. 

“I’m sorry,” Jace choked out, burying his face in Simon’s shoulder. “I’m sorry, Si, I, - god, I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Simon promised him, reaching one hand up to soothe his fingers through Jace’s golden blonde hair. “It’s okay, Jace, I promise. I understand why you did it. It’s _okay_.”

“Tell me,” Jace whimpered, and he hated how weak he sounded, but he knew Simon would never judge him for it. “Please, Si, tell me.”

Simon smiled, and Jace knew he knew what Jace needed. “You’re forgiven, Jace.”

Jace let out a shaky breath and nodded. He was forgiven. Simon forgave him and Simon loved him and everything was okay. Everything would be okay, just as soon as he let Simon finish what he’d started. 

“Simon,” Jace said, drawing back just enough to meet his boyfriend’s cobalt eyes. “Ask me. Ask me again.”

Simon appeared confused for a moment, but then it dawned on him what Jace meant. He lifted the collar into Jace’s line of sight, and Jace’s eyes widened. It was dark blue, Jace’s favourite colour, and the ring at the center was engraved with his and Simon’s initials next to a wedded union rune. 

It was perfect. 

“Jace Christoper Lightwood-Herondale, will you do me the greatest honour of being my sub and allow me to collar you?” Simon was smiling now, only a tiny crease between his eyebrows to indicate any nervousness. It was a stark contrast to the scene from earlier, and it made the edges of Jace’s eyes crinkle with happiness.

“Yes,” Jace breathed, and it felt like coming home. “Yes, Simon, I’m yours to collar.”

“On your knees.” 

Jace’s knees hit the training room floor in a matter of seconds and he lifted his head to Simon, trying and failing to contain the lovesick smile that was blooming on his lips. He’d dreamed of this moment for months. He’d almost ruined it, but somehow, Simon was still here. The doubt and self-loathing still swam in his mind, like a poison that couldn’t quite be defeated, but Simon’s gentle touch soothed the worst of it and, for the first time in his life, Jace felt something suspiciously akin to confidence when he thought of his future. Finally, he had something, or rather _someone_ , that he could trust with his life and his love and everything that he was.

Simon bent down and fastened the collar into place around Jace’s neck. Jace was overwhelmed with a sudden sense of belonging that he had never felt before. He belonged somewhere, with someone, _to_ someone. It was a breathtaking feeling.

A few tears slipped from his eyes, which Simon promptly kissed away. Jace reached blindly for his boyfriend ( _Dom, now,_ his mind whispered), and Simon wrapped him in a fierce embrace. He seemed to understand that Jace didn’t need words. Jace didn’t need reassurances or comfort. Jace needed _him_. Simon’s presence wrapped around him like a lifeline, and Jace drank in the feeling of rightness that came from having Simon so close, one hand hooked through the ring in Jace’s collar. It was exactly what he had dreamed it would be. 

After a few minutes had passed, Simon gave Jace’s collar a little tug and said, “Come on, up.”

With that, Jace got to his feet and faced Simon, who had a look on his face that made Jace want to collapse into his arms and never leave. _By the Angel_ , he loved Simon so much more than he would ever have the words to say. He quickly sought out Simon’s lips to seal their promise to each other, and Simon reciprocated fiercely.

And it was that, wasn’t it? The collar wasn’t a public declaration that Jace and Simon belonged to each other. It wasn’t an official statement to give to the Clave, saying that they were now partnered. It wasn’t even a symbol of eternal love or unbridled devotion. 

It was a promise, a promise to each other that they would have the things that they thought they never could. It was a promise of the future, of _their_ future. The collar reaffirmed something in Jace, some long-dwindled hope that made him feel open and vulnerable and _alive._ It wasn’t set in stone - nothing ever was - but Jace felt sure that, wherever life took him, Simon would follow. 

**Author's Note:**

> [Stalk me on Tumblr](http://moonlight-breeze-44.tumblr.com/)
> 
> Prompts are open, but very slow! Thanks for your patience <3
> 
> Want to scream about Shadowhunters (and other fandoms, too!) with like-minded people? Need help or encouragement with your writing/drawing/creating? Desire a community, a place where you feel at home and happy? Lover of chaos? [Join our Discord server](https://discord.gg/82pvdE39fD) for tons of chaotic fun! We welcome everyone, and we'd love to have you. <3


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